Journey
Below you will find where we at different times during our journey have tried to express what and where our thoughts were. I’m currently just posting as is and in no arrangement. Some are just trying to expression the pain. Others are expressions of what we feel we have learned along the way. The overriding thing I can say we have learned is that our God is a good and loving God.
Today’s teaching from a four year old
Four Year Old:
Do you remember when Josh tucked me in when he was here?
Me:
Yes, I remember (followed by silence)
Four Year Old:
Are you ok?
Me:
Yes I’m fine
Four Year Old:
I thought you were still being sad that Josh is dead.
Me:
I am sad, I think I’ll always be sad that Josh isn’t here anymore.
Four Year Old::
But you know it’s much better in Heaven?
Me:
Yes, I know it is.
It is really hard to explain to someone who has not experienced the loss of a child what it feels like. People think they can imagine, I arrogantly thought I could when my niece died and then again when my nephew died. They cannot, I could not. Make no mistake, I hurt horribly for both of those losses, but it did not compare either in length or depth. Pain, pressure, weight, exhaustion, confusion, despair, and numbness coexisting in complete chaos. If you can, image a buffalo hide made into a full-length coat with a hood; Now put that on; Continually soak it with water. The weight of it is so much that your knees are always on the verge of buckling and sometimes do. That is sort of what the weight felt like every minute of every day. You get no relief from sitting or lying down because the water is constantly keeping it soaked and heavy……
I have had a horrible time since Josh’s death. I had decided in the past few days that I needed a different kind of help from God … I had not asked Him for peace since Josh’s death. So, a few days ago I started praying for God to please give me some peace and help me start to heal. Not forget – just peace. I opened my e-mail tonight and a lot of times, unless it’s a personal message to me, I just check a bunch and delete them. For some reason I opened a particular email and began to read. When I got to the end, way down the page by itself, it said this “Peace is the deliberate adjustment of life to the will of God…” My mouth dropped open and I started to cry. It was in a completely different font from the rest of the email and was all alone at the bottom. Is this the answer straight from God for the prayers that I’ve been praying? How much more direct could it be? So when you think God isn’t listening to your prayers, HE IS LISTENING. And you may find His answer in a place you totally never expected it to be.
For almost 4 weeks now, all of my devotions keep leading to the verse in Psalms 46:10 “Be still and know that I am God” or I flip to it when I’m looking for another verse. I thought a couple of weeks ago that it was just a coincidence, but it’s finally happened enough that I don’t think that’s the case. It’s almost every day and it’s not me doing it on purpose. I have been asking for direction for months, as to what God wants me to do with my life in relation to Josh’s death, what my purpose is, who I’m supposed to help through all of this, what I’m supposed to do. So this morning it finally dawned on me that maybe I’m not quite ready to carry out God’s purpose yet – maybe I need more time to heal – more time to resolve hurts within my heart about past regrets that I can’t quite put to rest – more time to just let God soothe my wounds. Maybe I truly do need to just “be still”. I know it’s probably not a great revelation to everyone else, but to me it’s pretty big…to finally figure out that for right now, I AM doing what God wants me to do – to sit with my Father and let Him wrap His arms around me –to let Him love on me – to let Him mend the pieces of my broken heart. Do you remember how you used to feel when you were a child and you were sick and your Mom would hold you and tell you it was going to be ok? She would wrap her arms around you and she would kiss you on the forehead and for just that little while you didn’t quite feel so bad anymore? That’s how I have felt today every time it goes through my head to “be still and know that I am God”. And I feel perfectly at peace within my soul that I finally found the answer I’ve been looking for – it was right in front of me the whole time – it just took me a little while to actually see the words that were written right there on the page.
Some of you have asked how we are doing and I’ll give you a quick update. We still miss our son, plain and simple. We are at a different place, thank God, than we were, but we will never stop aching for our son to still be here. We have become involved in a ministry at our church called GriefShare. Healing only started coming when we started attending this as participants about 4 years ago; we are now facilitators with two other wonderful ladies. It’s the hardest ministry anyone could ever be involved in, but we know without a shadow of a doubt that this is what we’re supposed to be doing. Believe me, it took a lot of praying and lots of arguing with God about it (lol), but there’s no doubt that this was where He wanted us. We are still dealing with our own pain, but there are so many people who are trying to find a way to go on after their own tragic loss, and hopefully God can use us to show others the way. It’s the hardest ministry I’ve ever been a part of. There are no happy people who come through our door. It ministers to a group of people who are struggling to find a way to survive something that has brought them to their knees and to the end of their world as they know it. For our pastor friends…I encourage you to look into starting a GriefShare Ministry in your church. There are people in your congregation and in your community that need help and to know there are people who care about what they’re going through. Go to the GriefShare website and see if it’s something you want to offer to those who are desperately trying to find their way, or contact me and I can help you get started. Someday it will be worth all the pain, if we can help someone else bear their load.
Take my word for it… No matter how much weight you’ve gained or how awful your hair looks, or if you have no makeup on..DO IT! I know what it’s like to have that “last picture” of our family before death. I hate selfies, but when my little grandsons want to take one of us together, I do it no matter how awful I look. Live with no regrets!
9 years have passed and still I wait for Josh to come through the door or be on the other end of my ringing phone. I speak his name in whispers when no one is there, because the silence cannot accuse me of not moving on and letting him go. I scream his name in my dreams and wake up with a wet face and an ache that literally hurts my chest. I see him in a crowd, but I know he’s not there. I hear his voice in the laughter of our grandsons and it makes me smile. I go to his resting place and talk to him, but I get no response except the wind blowing through the trees. I long for the things that a normal Mom gets to have with her son, but the only thing I receive is silence. No wedding, no sweet little grandkids, no calls on Mother’s Day…just the never ending silence that seems to get louder with every year that passes. I live between two worlds…the world of the present where there is laughter and my now family…and the world of the future when I get to see my son and my Savior face to face. I don’t dread or fear death in this existence that I am caught in, but I don’t pray for it or wish it to come anytime soon. Caught between two worlds is a hard place to be, but until God takes me home and I have breath to breathe, I will honor my son and live my life to the fullest. I will dance in the ocean and catch snowflakes on my tongue, cuddle my sweet grandsons and point others to Jesus. I will love my daughter with every fiber of my soul and try to be the best Mom I can be to her as long as I live. Jeff and I have walked where Angels fear to tread and found a love for each other that is beyond mere words. A love that has carried us through the unimaginable and back again. “I will lift my eyes to the heavens. Where does my help, come from? My help comes from the Lord, the maker of Heaven and of earth” Hug your kids tight, always tell them you love them every time you part ways and dont sweat the small stuff. Love them even when they’re unlovable, because that’s when they need your love the most. Love them with all of your heart and soul while you still have the chance, because tomorrow they could be gone forever.
The sweetest thing happened to me today! I was in a marathon Christmas wrapping party, when my phone rang…I didn’t look at the number or I may not have answered it, because the number wouldn’t have been familiar to me. I answered and on the other end was the sweetest voice..”Denna?”.. I answered yes. It was a friend from long ago that we used to go to church with. She and her husband were the treasurers of the church and used to often drop by the office when I worked there as the church secretary. She said she was so glad that I was home and had answered my phone – she said the Lord had put me on her heart and she felt an urgent need to talk to me. For you see, she also lost her son a few years ago and she said she knew how hard it was this time of year for a Mother to be without their child. She said even though we’re a long way away, that she always prayed for me and thought about me a lot and she loved me dearly. She told me how much she and her husband had loved Josh and what an impact he had made on them when he was a young boy and into his teenage years. She said her husband thought the world of Josh – she said it’s not often a young person wants to or takes the time to get to know older people of their age. Josh would go over occasionally and mow their yard or help out with other things that her husband couldn’t do anymore…Josh always enjoyed going to their house so much. We chatted for a little while and she said again how glad she was that she had gotten hold of me and I told her she had truly made my day. She said she hoped she did the right thing and did what the Lord wanted her to do – I assured her it was EXACTLY the right thing to do and I’m so glad she listened to what He wanted her to do. She said she may never talk to me again on this earth, we just never know, but she needed to let me know that somebody loved me and prayed for me everyday. I know I will receive several gifts this Christmas season, but I think I may have received the greatest gift of all…a dear sweet little lady who in her 80+ years still listens to that still small voice and picked this Mother up in a way that not many could. Thank you my sweet friend, and may God richly bless you in a remarkable way this Christmas and in the years to come until God calls you home to be with Him.
It’s 12:12 AM…the exact time that you were born 27 years ago. You were the tiniest little thing and could have fit down into a Christmas stocking – all 4 pounds and 14 ounces of you! You were absolutely perfect in every way and the most beautiful thing I had ever laid eyes on. I had never felt the kind of love that I felt for you and every time I looked at you, I just couldn’t believe that God had given me such a beautiful baby boy. As I watched you grow, my heart overflowed with love from the joy that you brought to me. Your sweet little face was all smiles almost all of the time and you were as happy a baby as a mother could ever hope to have. And that never changed – your beautiful, smiling face is in my mind every day. I listen on my phone to your voice say “this is Josh” and some days I smile and some days I cry. Today, as we remember the day you were born, I am going to listen to it and I’m going to try and smile, because even after all the pain, I would much rather have had you for the 25 years you were here than to never have had you at all. I can’t even imagine my life without you never being in it. So today I say Happy Birthday my sweet boy… I dearly love you with all of my heart.
All it takes is a fleeting glance of someone or cologne or a haircut like yours to bring me to my knees…today, it was just a second when the thought went through my mind to tell you something at Thanksgiving…I’ve been a mess the rest of the day. All I have to hear is someone in a store say “hey Momma” and I turn around to see if you’re there and for just a split second I think its you and my heart races in anticipation that you really are HERE! I wouldn’t bring you back from Heaven to this cruel world for anything, but sometimes I still just want to see your face and smell your cologne and I want it to really be you who says “hey Momma”. I miss you so much and I want to hold you so badly…I just want to look at your face and tell you that I love you…and I want you to really be here for Thanksgiving…please let me know you are here…
Happy Birthday my sweet boy. I’m so thankful for every day that I got to spend with you and watch you grow into the amazing young man you turned out to be. I am so proud of the decisions you made that brought you full circle back to God before your day of departure. You grew from 4 pounds of lovable sweetness to the best son I could ever have asked for. In light of eternity, I don’t think you celebrate birthdays in Heaven, so Dad and I will celebrate for you and remember the great times we had with you while God let us have you in our lives. I love you very much…
We stood on your favorite hill overlooking the lake this evening and thanked God for allowing you to be our son for the years you were here on this earth…and then we thanked Him for knowing you are with Him now in Paradise. If I could have chosen, I would have preferred you live here to grow into an old man, but God had other plans and I’ve made peace with that. But I still miss you something fierce and I guess I always will. So here’s to you Josh…I love you as much as my heart can hold and my child and my son you’ll always be. #12
Some days I so badly want to talk to Josh…today has been one of those days. My heart aches for him…
There would have been 36 candles on Josh’s birthday cake today. I had thought we would celebrate him today…I wish I could say that happened, but it didn’t. I felt about as gray as it looked outside the window. You never expect, when a sweet baby is born, that they won’t be here for you to celebrate them on their day and yet here we are. As bad as it hurts though, I’m glad God let us borrow him for the 25 years he was here. The only way to take away the pain is for him not to have been born and I would take the pain any day over never having had him here. I love you sweet boy and I am so glad you made me a Mom on this day 36 years ago. Until we meet again…
I almost made it through “our” special you and me store today without crying…almost. I hadn’t been back there since you left and I just had this feeling today that it was time to go. It’s just as beautiful as you remember…in fact I think it was more beautiful, but maybe I was looking at it through different eyes this time. The thought went through my head so many times “Josh would just love that”. The guy who owns the store talked with me about you and I left with a feeling of your presence right beside me. I love you Josh and I so wish you had been with me today. I will never be able to go that store without taking a part of you with me and now that I’ve had the courage to go back, I promise you that I will go every Christmas as long as I live here. And I know that I’ll feel your presence walk right beside me every time I go…maybe someday I’ll be able to go without crying…just maybe.
This day that brings about precious memories, but bittersweet as well. A tiny baby boy was born at 12:12 am weighing 4 lbs 14 oz and 17 inches long. He had little tufts of blonde hair and blonde peach fuzz covering his tiny body. He was to that point, the most precious gift I had ever been given. I was so in love with him and he just wrapped me around his little finger. As he grew, he was so sweet and soft hearted that everyone he met fell in love with him. His white-blonde hair and green eyes made him beautiful on the outside, but his love for God made him even more beautiful on the inside. He grew into such a caring young man and tried so hard to make everyone feel loved, no matter their background or social status. He loved kids so much and was eagerly awaiting the arrival of his first little nephew when God decided his journey on this Earth was finished. I see him in our grandson, sometimes to the point that it takes my breath away and brings tears to my eyes. The jut of his chin or a look in his eye, but mostly the way he tells me he loves me and calls me his sweet Meme. I wish I could celebrate Josh’s day with him, but I know that an earthly celebration is nothing compared to what he’s experienced today in Heaven. I thank God for the gift of that baby, that grew into a sweet little boy, that turned into a Godly young man. I can’t wait to see him again and hear his voice in person and never have to worry about saying goodbye to him for all eternity. I’ve missed you so much today Josh and my heart aches for you, but I wouldn’t bring you back down here for all the gold in the world. I love you and I will see you soon…
Happy Birthday my beautiful son! I count your earthly birthday as 26 but I know it’s truly your 1st birthday for you. You were born at 12:12 AM and I fell in love with every tiny bit of you – all 4lbs. 12oz. of you! I had never felt the kind of love that I felt when I held you in my arms and looked at your tiny, perfect little body. You were truly a gift from God and I cherish every moment of your life. I wish I knew what Heavenly birthdays were like but for now that will have to wait. I will celebrate your life today…I’m trying to think about the miracle of your birth and the joy of your life…tears are still falling and my heart is still breaking but I choose to celebrate the 25 years God let me borrow you for….I’ll see you in a little while. I love you Josh – Momma
In honor of Josh’s birthday, Jeff and I paid tribute by going to see one of Josh’s favorites…Ron Burgandy in, you guessed it, Anchor Man 2. (don’t judge me 
) No, I have never seen Anchor Man 1 and don’t plan to. This movie was as crazy and stupid and crude as I imagined it to be, but I have to say we both laughed a lot! Which is what Josh would have loved! About 5 minutes into the movie, Ron Burgandy and his wife were having an argument and their little boy comes running downstairs and wants to know what happened “did Mommy touch Daddy’s hair again?” Jeff and I looked at each other and busted out laughing!!! For those of you who knew Josh, you know how much he HATED for his hair to be messed with! It was a very good laugh. SO, Josh, we spent the evening laughing and thinking about you and I think that would make you very happy! You actually got us to go see a movie that we would never ever have gone to see and it made for a good night out! Happy Birthday and all my love my son….
November 4: Today I am thankful for a box of cards that I found today. Inside were Mother’s Day and Birthday cards that the kids have given me over the years. I sat and read through them and some made me smile, some made me chuckle and some brought a tear to my eye, especially the ones Josh gave me right before the accident. I have cards from when Josh was so little that all he did was scribble and Jeff wrote his name under it. One card had the perfect outline of a little mouth that had chewed the top on the card…that one made me smile! Cards that our daughter had given me that had strange looking faces drawn in them (when she was really little, all of her faces had big, dark, round circles that made the eyes all look angry!) and that made me laugh! The only regret I found as I went through it was that I didn’t write a date on some of the cards…I wish I had. Some people put a high price on what it takes to make them happy – I found more happiness in one little box than most people seem to find in a lifetime. God impressed upon my heart to save all of those cards and they are now more precious to me than any store bought gift could ever be. Someday, Summer will find that box and I hope it will make her smile, make her chuckle and some even bring a tear to her eye and I hope she’ll know how truly special every one of them was to me…
I am so thankful today for a little box holding precious memories that decorates a tree. For you see, the box holds ornaments that decorated Josh’s tree the last year he was here. It was the first time he had ever put a tree up in his own home. I had given him all of his ornaments that he had been given over the years and a couple that he had made. There were Hallmark Cars that we had given him every Christmas to place upon our tree…a little Beagle – Luke of course!…a felt stocking he made in Kindergarten with his name in gold glitter….an ornament his 7th grade teacher made for him and each of her students with his name and the year painted on…and a few little ornaments that others had given him. But the most special ornament took my breath and made the tears spill out…it was his Baby’s First Christmas ornament. I never dreamed when I bought that ornament for his very first Christmas, that he wouldn’t be here to hang it on the tree…I expected him to be with me here until I was an old woman and I would be the one to leave first, not him. As I held that ornament I couldn’t help but picture the tiny little baby who weighed 4lbs. & 14oz and was perfect in every way. I remember holding him and kissing him and smelling his sweet baby scent…but then I saw him lying so still and my arms ached to hold him just one more time and my heart just broke. I don’t question God’s plan and I hope I never do, but it still doesn’t make the pain that I feel any better. I know if I could see Josh now, there’s no way I would ask to bring him back…but holidays are so hard when it’s glaring that he’s not here. I don’t know if I’ll cry every year when I pick up that ornament…maybe some day it won’t be so hard and I can hang it on the tree with only the good memories, but for this year, it was just bittersweet…I’m just thankful that over all the years, this one little ornament brought pictures of such happy times as we decorated our family tree together. Don’t take the little things for granted and make all the memories you can with your child no matter how old they are for someday that may be all you have left.
Today marks 7 years that Joshhas been gone. It’s a journey I don’t wish upon any Mother or Father on the face of this earth. I’m trying so hard to look at today through God’s eyes: “Psalm 116:15…Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of his saints.” Yet my eyesight is very dim and I have trouble looking through the immense pain and the yearning to still have him with me. Would I bring him back if I could? No. That would be cruel and unusual punishment to bring him back from Paradise into this awful place full of sin and pain. But my heart will forever love him, miss him and yearn to be where he is. Give your kids an extra big hug tonight, hold them a little longer and tell them how much you love them. You don’t ever know when it will be the last time you get to do that. 
Do you ever have those days when someone’s presence feels so near that you could reach out and touch them? My dad was with me at church this morning. Right there. The pastor was relating a story about a friend of his that was a rough talking, got no use for preachers or most Christians, kind of fellow. He was ex-military and used to like to shock him (or so he thought) by his language or accounts of things that would make his hair crawl. Well, he became a Christian at 72…the same age as my dad when he accepted Christ. The tears started falling and I couldn’t stop. I almost got the boo-hoos but managed to keep it in check. About the time I thought I was over it, the sermon drifted to Peter and his denial of Christ…and then Jesus showed up and squatted down and looked me in the face. I identify with Peter more than anybody in the Bible, because he was so imperfect and yet Jesus loved him so much. The tears came back on and off all the way through the service and through the song at the end, and I left a mess. And yet, it was a good mess. Knowing my dad accepted Christ before his death after refusing to listen his whole life is one of THE most incredible prayers to be answered that I have ever prayed. And knowing that no matter how much of a mess I am in this sinful body, Jesus loves me unconditionally and still looks me in the eye and says “do you love me” just like he did to Peter, takes my breath away. Chance after chance he gives me to do what he asks me to do and even when I fail him miserably, he pulls me into his arms and whispers “I love you no matter how much of a mess you are”. Sometimes it feels like it’s just me and the pastor, yet I’m in a room that is overflowing with people. It seems as if he is talking to just me, as if no one else was there…and it’s a blessed thing when I leave knowing that Jesus was there with me…and today, so was my dad.
For those of you who have NEVER lost a child and yet are crucifying the parents of the sweet baby in Florida for what happened, please do yourself a favor and close your mouths for a few minutes and read this article. How dare you judge a Mother and Father you know nothing about when their baby has been ripped from their arms and their lives forever. YOU HAVE NO CLUE the kind of pain they are going through and if those of you with children had even an inkling of an idea what they are going through, you would stop wagging your tongues and fall on your knees and pray for them. God help you in your unsympathetic heart. I hope you NEVER have to go through what some of us have been through as we watch our child be put into the ground never to hold them or kiss them or look them in the face again. But if you do, I hope you will remember how you feel today as you so callously wag your tongues and bring judgement on the parents of this sweet baby boy. I just shake my head as I read your comments and wonder how much you judged me and Jeff over Josh’s death.
We have decided from now on,This will be “Josh’s Celebration Day”, not Josh’s death day. For Josh, it was the greatest day of his life as he stepped over to begin the rest of his life in a perfect eternity. Sat on the beach and watched our grandson run in the waves and tear down his Dad’s sand castles and take a nap in my lap just like Josh used to do. It’s been a great day and I know Josh would be proud that we have celebrated today instead of mourned. Have I shed tears? Yes when no one was looking…but my heart is full of love and memories that make me smile and I know that makes Josh happy. I love you to Heaven and back my sweet boy.
“When King Lear dies in Act V, do you know what Shakespeare has written? He’s written “He dies.” That’s all, nothing more. No fanfare, no metaphor, no brilliant final words. The culmination of the most influential work of dramatic literature is “He dies.” It takes Shakespeare, a genius, to come up with “He dies.” And yet every time I read those two words, I find myself overwhelmed with dysphoria. And I know it’s only natural to be sad, but not because of the words “He dies.” but because of the life we saw prior to the words.” The culmination of the most influential piece of dramatic literature is, ‘He dies.’ Now I am not asking you to be happy at my leaving but all I ask you to do is to turn the page and let the next story begin. “And if anyone asks what became of me, you relate my life in all its wonder, and end it with a simple and modest “He died.” ………I watched Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium this morning and I couldn’t help but cry when it got to this spot in the movie. It speaks volumes of how I feel about Josh…I cry because of the life I saw prior to his leaving and the absence of it now. And yet I talk about his life in wonder and awe because of the wonderful man he had become. Most all of you know the details of his death, but I think it would be well said of him to say in the most simple and modest of ways “He Died…and now his real story has just begun”. I love you my son…
Dear Friend, thank you for the note earlier today. It’s been a hard day today. We left Summer’s around 1:00 and went back to Josh’s house to grab a few more of his things. All I could do was cry. I just don’t understand why – why now, why Josh. And I know there is no answer to either question. My heart just aches for him. I thought when my niece and nephew died that I knew what true, raw pain was. I didn’t even know the tip of the iceberg. I feel as if I’m dying a cruel slow death and even though I know God is in control, it feels like I’m just spinning out of control. All I ask is that every time we come across your mind, please pray for us. We can’t make it through this without support and prayers from those who love us. I love you – Denna
Prayers desperately needed. Spent the weekend at Josh’s house going through memories. Jeff and I both seem to be crumbling and I don’t know how to stop it. I can’t pray – all I can say is “God help me”. Will you please pray for us?
For all of you who knew Josh as a teenager and as a young adult, I want to thank you today for your friendship to my son. Thank you for welcoming him into your lives and for most of you, into your families. Today I would like to share memories of a little boy…a little boy with white blonde hair and green eyes and a smile that would melt your heart. A little boy with a heart that was so sweet and soft and tender…a little boy who loved match box cars and legos and dragged around a blankie and his best friend Snuggles, a white bear with red satin ears & paws. A little boy who said his prayers every night and always blessed Mommy & Daddy & little Sister and thanked God for his toys and for Snuggles and his dog Bandit…a little boy who loved to sing in church and told everybody he was going to be a preacher some day. A little boy who would say “Mommy you are so beautiful” and it would make my eyes well up with tears…a little boy who grew up into a very kind hearted man who loved his family and friends with all of his heart. This is the Josh that I see in my mind and remember today…no matter how you see him and remember him, I just appreciate that you were a part of his life.
So why are the little things sometimes the hardest to do? For the last couple of months, Jeff and I have been discussing finally shutting off Josh’s cell phone. We have been paying for his phone so that his friends and us could call and just listen to his voice when we felt lonely for him. I have a voice mail message from him that Jeff figured out how to download from Josh’s home phone before we had it shut off, so I don’t call his cell phone that much anymore. So, we went to the Verizon store last night to pay the final bill and have his cell phone shut off. Just as the sales guy was getting ready to finalize the transaction, I had a little melt down and told him to stop…I told Jeff I couldn’t do it and had to walk away while Jeff explained the reason to him. When we left the store, I told Jeff I was sorry…but when it’s done, it’s done and we can’t go back and re-do it. He said it was ok and I had no reason to feel bad about changing my mind. There have been a couple of other things that I wish I had waited to do, but didn’t and now it can’t be un-done. So, when will be the right time? I honestly don’t know. Surely at some point I will be able to let it go without having a melt down and will be able to say “it is well with my soul”. Until then, well, just until then….
I was listening to worship music and working in a puzzle and all of a sudden this popped up. It just came for me at the end of a painful week. Missing Josh so badly and I’ve tried to hold it in and not cry because I’ve had a horrible migraine all live long week. But this, this just broke the tears and caused a flood in my living room. How I miss him. I wouldn’t bring him back here for anything, but every fiber of my being aches and screams out for him. The pain is unexplainable unless you’ve lost a child. My heart is just completely broken.
We all get hit by those awful waves of grief. The thing about a wave is, ride it out and don’t fight it. If you feel like crying, do it. Even if you are out somewhere. Want to talk about your loved one? Do it. Healing is about letting it out.
Sitting here at Josh’s favorite place to eat when he was here, for brunch. His presence is overwhelming and I just want to reach out and touch him so badly.
November 6: Today I am thankful for the soft heart of a sweet little blond headed pixie that is our niece. Yesterday after we left school, one of the songs we used in Josh’s service came on the radio and usually she pops her little head up in the mirror to see if I’m crying…she didn’t do that yesterday and she never made a sound. We sat in the parking lot at Wal Mart until the song went off and when we got out of the car, big tears were running down her cheeks. I wrapped my arms around her and she just bawled and of course I bawled right along with her. We stood there just holding each other until her sobs subsided and I told her we were both going to be ok. She grabbed my hand and wouldn’t let go all the way into the store. I love that child so much and I’m so glad that God sent her to our family…she is my little Angel right here on earth
On our way back to TN from Josh’s house. So sad….
So having a tough day. Nightmares about josh are back…woke myself up crying. Now I am in the er waiting on stitches after trying to sever my thumb.
I know I am not crying alone, even in the middle of the night….Josh, I love you – yesterday, today, tomorrow, & forever through all eternity. In a blink of an eye, I’ll be right there. Meet me at the gate, ok?
I never imagined it would be this way. One child 8 hours away and one child so far away that I can’t even talk to him. Even when I go visit where he is, he doesn’t respond…the wind is all I hear and my heart breaks all over again. Nothing made me any happier than us all being together under one roof and that will never happen again. I do get so excited that I’m like a kid at Christmas when I know our daughter and the boys are on their way! Once again little feet are running through my house and my daughter is where I long for her to be..at my house, that is once again a home when they all come through my front door. She’s been married 11 years and I still cry every time she leaves after she’s out of sight. I don’t cry in front of her because there’s just some hurts you don’t want to put on your child. But this is real life and it’s not fair a lot of the time. I make the most of what I get and hope some memories are made along the way. I just never imagined it would ever be this way…
Very long week..glad it’s almost over. Ended today with a whopper of a migraine. Guess it’s been building up all week. Have been dealing with emotional issues over Josh all week. I pray God will grant me nightmare free sleep tonight…
I just went through one of those 100 foot waves and the pain was just as real and as raw as it was 5 and a half years ago. But I’m going to survive it once again…
My heart has just ached all weekend for Josh. I thought maybe this year as we head into the holiday season that it would be a little easier…guess I thought wrong. I just want him to be here so badly, and then I feel guilty because I wouldn’t bring him back to this cruel world for anything. I just miss him so much…
13 years ago I lost my precious son. “Lost” really isn’t the right word, because I know exactly where he is..he’s in Paradise with my sweet Jesus and more of our family who went before him. I’m so happy for him..truly I am, but my heart still feels like it’s being ripped out of my chest every time I have to face the reality of knowing he really isn’t here. Things are better than they were on this day 13 years ago, but I have so far to go. But one day – one day I’m going to run through those gates and fall at my Savior’s feet and let all of my tears and pain go out of my body. And then I’m going to throw my arms around Josh and know that I won’t have to ever be separated from him or my Savior again. Right now, I’m just waiting and walking down the road with other Moms who have had to let their kids go too….just waiting.