Now let’s look at the helpful things you can do. I want you to notice that I’m not really encouraging you to say much. In most cases the fewer the words the better.

JOB

There is one section of Job that is a great Biblical picture of how you as a friend or loved one can best help your family/friend.

JOB 2
11 NOW WHEN JOB’S THREE FRIENDS HEARD OF ALL THIS EVIL THAT HAD COME UPON HIM, THEY CAME EACH FROM HIS OWN PLACE, ELIPHAZ THE TEMANITE, BILDAD THE SHUHITE, AND ZOPHAR THE NAAMATHITE. THEY MADE AN APPOINTMENT TOGETHER TO COME TO SHOW HIM SYMPATHY AND COMFORT HIM.
12 AND WHEN THEY SAW HIM FROM A DISTANCE, THEY DID NOT RECOGNIZE HIM. AND THEY RAISED THEIR VOICES AND WEPT, AND THEY TORE THEIR ROBES AND SPRINKLED DUST ON THEIR HEADS TOWARD HEAVEN.
13 AND THEY SAT WITH HIM ON THE GROUND SEVEN DAYS AND SEVEN NIGHTS, AND NO ONE SPOKE A WORD TO HIM, FOR THEY SAW THAT HIS SUFFERING WAS VERY GREAT.

 

Vs 13 is the key portion I want you to see… just be there. Do not try and fix them. Don’t tell them how to feel. Don’t tell them what to do. Don’t say it will be OK. Just be there with them. If you know them well enough, hug them and tell them you love them. Cry with them if it feels right to do so. Have tissues…lots of tissues. Do not back away because they become emotional. If they lose it, just be there…reach over and take their hand and let them cry.

We had two different families that walked through the really hard times with us. They did just what I said above, they were just there and did not shy away from us when we broke down. I’ll give you one tangible example of how someone helped us that did not really know us. She was the wife of one of our sons’ friends. She knew our son really well but had only met us a couple of times and at her wedding. She and her husband came to our son’s house to be with us, as did so many others, when they found out the tragedy of what had happened. Our son had apparently not done his laundry for a while and there were piles everywhere. We at that point were doing more crying and sharing with others than accomplishing anything. She just started doing the laundry. She did not ask, she just started doing. It was a mighty gift of love to us. It bears repeating because it seems counter intuitive, BUT, do you want to really help? Pray before you go and then show up with no agenda. You can’t fix this. No matter how much your soul aches to make them feel better, you can’t. Love them. Hold them when appropriate. Clean their house. Go get groceries for them. Walk their dog. Feed the cat. Do their laundry. Let them talk about their child, their person. Tell them you love them.

Sometimes the silence takes over and that’s ok. If you notice in verse 13, no one spoke a word. For 7 days and 7 nights, no one spoke a word. In our culture and time, that probably wont happen, but silence is ok. Not every “conversation” needs to happen out loud. Pray for them silently as you sit with them and wait on them to be able to speak. If the atmosphere seems accepting, pray a comforting prayer over them. Ask God to put His arms around them and pull them close to His chest and calm their hearts. Ask for Him to send that peace that passes all understanding that only He can provide. Ask for Him to place Angels around them in this sacred place and let them feel the presence of the love and protection they provide.

Tell Them a Funny/Touching/Good Story That You Know About Their Loved One

Our son lived in a different state and was in college 4 hours away when he died. We drove down the day after he died, with our Sister-in-Law along with us, and decided to stay in his house while we made all the arrangements. It was a really hard decision. We had lived in that area for 25 years ourselves and had just moved to TN 2 years before. This was the community where he was born and raised. He was everywhere in that house, and we cried, no we wailed, until we thought no more tears could come. But as his friends and our old friends found out we were staying there, they started showing up. Almost every one of them shared some kind of story about them and our son. I’m not sure what the percentage was of the stories we already knew vs the ones we did not, but it really did not matter. They told stories and we laughed together…they told stories and we all cried together. That was probably the best few hours of our whole ordeal. Looking back, it provided such relief from the weight and the pressure. Even now we love for people to talk about him and tell us their stories. It let’s us know he hasn’t been forgotten and he’s still in their hearts as well as ours.

Say, Tell Me About Them

Some of the most powerful healing you can provide to a grieving person, is to let them tell you about their child. One of the big things you deal with is being afraid that no one will remember them. Most are afraid to bring up their name or talk about them for fear of making you hurt or worse yet, cry; never knowing that allowing you to talk about them is so freeing. So say to them, “tell me about your son/daughter”. Call their child by their name – oh how we love to hear their name! For younger children, ask what kind of personality they had, what they liked to play with, did they have a lovie or toy that was very special to them. For older kids or adults, ask what they were doing in life. Were they going to a certain college, or where did they work, what their hobbies were, did they have a girlfriend or boyfriend, etc. And don’t let the tears that fall stop the conversation. Even the good things bring tears sometimes, because we know we won’t get to experience those things with them again, but we still love to tell people about our son.

Click the button below to see the things we found hurtful