Scripture (Pick any)

What could possibly be more helpful than scripture? Why would we possibly have it listed first on the list of things NOT to say? Scripture is the word of God. Scripture is truth. Let’s look back at where we started for a second. God’s word is always correct, always true, always right. Do you really want to help? Is sharing the truth always helpful? Always Comforting? Would you ever tell a new mother of a newborn that her baby is the homeliest baby you have ever seen? It may be 100% true but you don’t say it because it is unnecessary and will hurt her feelings. Trust me when I tell you that a parent that just lost a child, no matter how they died, their feelings on a scale of 1 to 10 are on 147. Scripture can be and most often is very appropriate and encouraging and calming. What most people don’t realize is when you’re standing in that line those verses come across as very judgmental and even condemning. It comes across as, “you should not grieve this way. Don’t be acting like something is wrong. If you love Jesus and know your bible, you will know this is all God’s plan and it’s all good.” It’s unimaginable that they mean it as correctional or condemning but nonetheless that is the way grieving ears and broken hearts hear it. I know we do not have all the words Jesus said while he was here on earth. He very well may have interacted with more bereaved families during his time here other than the few recorded. In those non-recorded conversations that MAY or may NOT have happened, he might have quoted scripture. The ONE’s we do have; he did not quote any scripture. With Lazarus’s family He wept and then He raised him from the dead. Certainly not all scripture is correctional, but as a grieving father who loved the Lord during our loss, I can tell you during that time, all scripture quoted to us felt very much like correction. Is that what you are going for? Correction? At best it is not helpful and at worst it is hurtful. If you want to help them, this won’t encourage, or calm, especially during the early days. Scripture means the world to us. Neither my wife nor I would have survived without constantly reading the book of Psalms. During the early months, it was quite discouraging and painful for me and I couldn’t even read scripture. My wife searched and gleaned and highlighted every word of comfort she could possibly find in the Psalms and read them time and time again. We could not pray. We could only seem to cry…and did…a lot.

Something good will come from this

When grief is new, this sentence seems like telling them that God has just traded your loved one for someone else to have something better. He obviously cares for them more than you. To you, no matter how good this ‘something’ is, it’s not worth the loss you are suffering. In my case my reaction was whatever it is it won’t be good enough. God could have accomplished anything he wanted without taking our son from us. Miles down the road, you know this may very well be true; but we are not promised that we will ever know what that “better” thing was. Nor are we guaranteed that there was a “better” thing. We are promised in Romans that
“AND WE KNOW THAT ALL THINGS WORK TOGETHER FOR GOOD TO THEM THAT LOVE GOD, TO THEM WHO ARE CALLED ACCORDING TO HIS PURPOSE”.
But when you’re struggling to hold on or get to the top for a breath, this seems so distant and cold.

They are in a better place

There is no better place for my loved one to be than with me. When you can think of nothing else, but they are not with you and you’ll never see them again, then even Heaven doesn’t seem good enough, because it’s not with you. Please keep in mind that at some point down the road they probably come to this conclusion themselves, but you won’t be helping by telling them this before they are ready to hear it. All you will do is remind them that they are not with them now.

They are no longer suffering and are healed

If you had a child that was sick, you know all too well how much they wanted them to be healed and to be able to lead a normal life but reminding a grieving parent of that after their child dies, is NOT helpful. They wanted their child to be healed on this side of Heaven…to spend their days laughing and playing and loving while they watched them thrive and grow into adults, maybe with a special purpose handed down by God for the good of others. If the parents are believers, they know in their heads that their child is now healed, but the heart can’t accept that at this moment in time. It’s hard to see through our earthly eyes what Heaven actually looks like and what happens when a child gets there. Is a former family member taking special care of them? Are they running and playing or singing before Jesus as they play around his feet? How we wish we could get a glimpse of them in their healed little bodies, but for now all parents can feel is the ache of a missing child. Be gentle with them, love them and sit with them as they experience a horror no parent wants to ever think about going through.

You need to let this go/ get over this

Your heart may be in the right place when you say these words, but please understand that this one really hurts and is totally useless. If they could get over it, they would. This is not a state that they are wanting to continue living in. Also, you have no right to decide how long is appropriate for them to grieve. Just because when you lost your (__________) and was “over it in a month” is no sign you did it better and does not make you the arbiter of grieving times. My wife and I were grieving our child. He was as much my child as hers. We were with him his whole life together, but we grieved very, very differently. It took each of us a different amount of time to work through certain aspects of the grief that we were going through; some things were shorter, and some things took longer. The best way to possibly lose a friend for life, because of the pain unintentionally inflicted during an extremely debilitating time, is to tell them to get over their child…..just don’t say this.

At least you have other children/You can have other children

I’m not exactly sure why people think you can replace a life for another life. So many times, I’ve heard people talk about how Job got everything back. He did not! He got more children, but didn’t get his other children back. Which of your children would you pick to replace? I know as parents we sometimes joke around, but really would you trade one for another. It doesn’t matter how many other children you may have; each one is totally different and unique. Even twins have their own traits and abilities that make them their own person. Telling a Mother who has had a miscarriage or stillbirth that they can have another baby, although it may be true, is still heart breaking. They don’t want a different baby…they want the one that they carried inside them; the one they dreamed of and planned for. They will always wonder what color hair and eyes they would have or when they would walk or say Mama for the first time. You don’t get those chances with miscarriage or stillborn baby and although you wonder different things for a teenager or grown child, parents still ask questions. You don’t get to see them graduate from high school or college or get married. You don’t get to see them have their own children. You watch your child’s friends in the normal progression of life, and you yearn for those things in your heart. College degrees, a wedding, grandchildren; you mourn the things you will never have with them that you see other parents take for granted.

I understand exactly how you feel because I lost my (__________)

You should never ever, ever compare your loss to anyone else’s loss. We can tell you that you do NOT know what their loss feels like because every loss is different, and different even for the same loss. Example, my wife and I suffered the loss of the same son and experienced grief very differently. Even if you have lost a child, you do not you know the way they are processing their grief for their child. The worst example we have seen of someone doing this is comparing the loss of a child to the loss of a pet. If you truly think that the loss of a pet can compare to the loss of a person, then you really need to stay away from the person experiencing the loss. You will be no help at all. I understand that for some people their pet means a tremendous amount to them. We’ve had pets before and we know how it feels to lose them, but animals are not created in the image of God and people are. Also, don’t compare them to a mom, dad or spouse that you have lost. It truly may have been the worst loss you have suffered and we’re not belittling or making light of that, but it wasn’t your child. Only people who have lost a child can truly understand the pain associated with it. My wife and I have both lost a parent since our son’s death, and while the pain was deep, it still didn’t compare with losing our son.

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